Even though it is very popular these days and there are number of books written, seminars are organized about the term communication, the biggest problem of these times looks like the lack of communication. I think there are 2 reasons behind this. First, i see that the concept of communication is mostly explained with abstract terms or with subjective experiences. Second, i see that the concept of communication is disregarded because it is over-simplified. This is exactly why i have thought about what is communication and tried to write about it as tangible as it has ever been.
This post will not teach you things, since i don't have that much professional knowledge. In this post, you will realize how limited is our understanding of communication. You will have a perspective on how your words reach or why they don't reach to your counterparty when you are in a relationship with someone at some point of your life. I have also tried to break down my example into couple of concepts as subtitles. This way, we will deepen this concept that we are usually underestimating. My example is this: Think about a point A and a point B and a road that connects these two. And think about cars that are carrying words between these points on the road. A lot sophisticated than carrier pigeons :) Our first phase will be building the relationship, namely the acquaintance.
First of all, we are all humans and we are mostly conveying our thoughts with our words and a little bit with our behaviours. At this point, the word communication lexically requires at least 2 sides to be complete. If it is one way, it is called conveying. You have to get to know the person whom you would like to understand and have a mutual connection with. The 1st step of communication is getting acquainted.
The term "relation" here is the road between the point A and B. Communication is defined by how and when you use this road. If i want to establish a good relationship between myself and the point B, i have to choose my material correctly and take my time to optimize the road. You might have questions like "do i really want this" or "is it necessary" and it is normal. I would also think about how long the road will be and if it is going to pass through mountains or valleys. (Are there obstacles that we will have to deal with) That may require me to drill tunnels too. I think it would be ideal to be as direct as possible and keep it as short as possible for both sides, since the other side may be relocated before you reach there :)
Then i should also know who am i building this road for. Because i will deduce what kind of vehicles are going to travel on it. I will need to decide how long do i want this road to survive or how much weight it would have to endure. (Till death do us apart maybe?) There is one more crucial point here. And that is building the road collectively (unselfishly). Both sides should participate while building it. If both sides operates on their own terms, there would be unnecessary or unhealthy complexity or conflicts. The best form of this would be both sides starting at the same time and meeting around half way. Otherwise you might be burdening the other side with the most of the heavy duty (narcissism).
When it comes to actual communication, i have already known something about the person on the other side. I should determine what to send and how to send correctly. But it would be difficult constantly trying to send things there. Because i should also be dealing with the packages coming from the other side. Simply put, it is like a 2 way street. You send and receive
Sending is pretty easy and under our control. You can load a car with whatever you want from your point and send it towards point B at a certain speed. (Constructing a sentence) The car would fall apart if you have constructed a road full of pits or ups and downs. If it is a long road, the car would run out of fuel :) It is ideal to build a road as straight and stable as you can to maximize the chance to reach destination and minimize the time. Also, it wouldn't make sense to constantly sending out cars. That may cause congestions or accumulations or waste of cars. (The listening part will be next in a minute) Sometimes is it necessary to wait for the acknowledgement. You must send nice looking cars if possible. It should be pleasant to see the car and the things inside. Make sure the packages are easy to read so that it won't exhaust the other side. (Honesty, clarity and kindness) Of course it would not be nice to send fancy but empty cars. It both wastes the road and creates disappointment.
If you want to send out a very heavy load, i would recommend you to split it into multiple cars. Because there will be a receiver on the other end. If you send out too fast, it can collide with the oncoming cars or can derail or miss the target in the end (arguments). If you send ugly cars, they will be rejected regardless of their load. (If you criticise instead of making explanations) Also, you can't know if the other side is ready to receive messages while you are sending messages. You must have a couple of agents for this and they should visit and see the other side and report back. Maybe the other side stopped sending out cars or closed their doors. Or maybe the road you have built is worn-out. Your agents might answer these questions :) You can send out a test message for example. Like a well known message of yours that you are 100% sure of. A message that you are certain that can reach the other side and come back with some sort of an answer. (It could just be saying "i love you" to the ones you love :)
Here we come to the next parallel step, receiving. At this point, you would realise that if you fill all the road with all your cars (speaking without listening), you won't be able to receive messages and cause frustration on the other side. I can say this part is a lot more important. Because there will be cars coming to you. You can't know how frequent they will come. You can't know what will they bring either. If you haven't built the road together, the other side may have built it poorly. (Some people just can't explain themselves, either due to lack of language skills or personal reasons) You have to search and greet every car one by one. You are gonna need a strong infrastructure (understanding) for this, so that you can receive the messages coming too fast or too frequent or too heavy. This is your responsibility and you can build whatever kind of infrastructure you want. You can deploy 10 officers at the door. Or you can send out "please retry later" message :)
In order to catch every single car and package inside, you have to look for every inch of the cars (unprejudiced). Then you must store and save these packages in necessary storages (valuing). I would say not to return the messages that you don't like (tolerance) but it is up to you. It would be nice if you send acknowledgement, like what you got and what you understand. Otherwise you both would send the same things mutually and get tired over time. Also, you can send the messages from previously received and stored packages. (I get you) And finally, you must always have someone on your door, waiting for an incoming message, even if there are no messages for years. Since there can be any time.
There will emerge some malfunctions over time in this system. There can be number of reasons for this to happen. Maybe both sides are worn out (exhaustive relationship). Maybe the roads are eroded. (Diminishing common grounds or love and respect) Maybe you have no other vehicles left to send. (Given up on relationship) These issues will never ever be resolved by pushing harder, instead, it will make everything worse. The roads can't fix themselves over time. You can't built on top of another one, cause it will collapse from beneath. You have to destruct and rebuild it from scratch if necessary. Tired or bored too much? Instead of directly cutting ties to the other side, you must use the existing roads and say "let's take a break". But don't fall into "we were on a break" situation :) If you act on your own and don't use the road between point A and B, something will definitely go wrong.
I can't exactly put the concept of empathy here but it is also another crucial subject in communication and relationships. For example, you should try to get into the shoes of the other side and see the incoming messages. You might see how your side looks like from there or how it works over there. The other side is not a place that you can send out agents to discover. If you can visit the other side, you won't do it to compare it with yours. You'll do it to observe, embrace and understand. (Self-critique instead of criticism) Even more so, you may come to a point that you just accept the fact that things aren't working well on the other side and send out your cars accordingly (constructive). If there are lazy officers on the receiving end, you won't send cars frequently. I would say don't waste the cars or the road. I think overuse of these would tire you or wear out the roads. Build a strong road, visit the other side at least once, know that you can always use that road and guarantee the same to the other side (goodwill).
There is a song playing inside my head while i write this :) You may check out Winding Roads.
Now why this much definition and concretization. Relation and communication are actually very serious matters. You have probably heard most of the concepts i have mentioned in brackets. Maybe you have witnessed or experienced them too. But communication becomes a whole if you consider all these together. My first advice in this subject to everyone would be to take this seriously. I have tried to explain my views on this as tangible as possible, so that it can be permanent. I hope it can shed some light if you face with problems.
Because we humans can't even understand why and how we fight over things sometimes. Because we don't care a lot about communication. I also think that what i say here is mostly related to marriages as well. We don't inflict harm on others instinctively, we are not created that way. But we can't find the right things instinctively either. It looks like we have to know some ground rules or laws. It looks like being a human is the first condition, but not all adequate. We learn to use words but we also need to learn how to use them effectively. See you at the next post :)
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